RAW DOGMA written by Nkrumah Steward
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| Man sucks blood of 207 goats says his thirst for blood "remains insatiable". |
The United News of India is reporting that a man named Sisir Das, a self-proclaimed "witch" has found 10 minutes of fame for himself by standing at a temple and drinking the blood of all of the sacrificed animals there.
So far this has resulted in him drinking the blood of 207 goats in just four days.
Sisir Das told the United News of India says blood sucking runs in the family and that his thirst for blood "remains insatiable".
Thousands of people from the neighboring villages have evidently gathered at the temple of Kali to watch Sisir drink the goat blood, which no doubt adds a lot of pressure for Sisir to perform.
I am sure that even if Sisir wanted to stop he couldn't now.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there's probably something about the kind of person that would walk 20 miles braving, man-eating tigers, imperial probe druids, flash mudslides, the Monkeyman, and almost certain UFO abduction to watch a man stand on the front steps of a temple and drink animal blood by the buckets that you wouldn't want to "disappoint" with a no show if you know what I mean?
Ramchandra Besra, a visitor from Ranchi, said: "It is a blood-curdling sight no doubt. But still we come here every year to get the blessings of the goddess."
Yeah, that is how I would like to describe a trip to church, "blood curdling".
In Hindu mythology the Gods (Yeah, all 7,000,000 of them) found themselves in a fucked up situation.
They were fighting this demon named Raktabija and he had this fucked up little trick he could do where every time his blood hit the ground the drop would instantly grow into a perfect clone of himself. After about three minutes of no holds barred all out fighting the Hindu Gods (Yeah, all 7,000,000 of them) found themselves on a battlefield literally surrounded by millions of Raktabija clones.
Not at all interested in an even fight the Hindu Gods promptly left the battlefield and went to get Shiva (Yeah, that dude from Final Fantasy 8 with the ice cold breath) but he was in the middle of a nap and couldn't be bothered. So they went and found his Shiva's half naked consort Parvati. She agreed to help with their little problem but only after giving the Hindu Gods shit for getting themselves in this mess in the first place.
"Which one of you eight armed freaks was supposed to bring Plan B?"
Nevertheless, she didn't see this cloning thing that Raktabija could do as much of a problem. She got all dolled up in her gear and went into battle dressed up like Kali the eight armed, four sword wielding battle dyke.
No it wasn't Halloween. That's just how she looks.
So Parvati, the half naked consort (now in the form of Kali) rode into the battlefield on her trusty lion, Battle cat. (Yeah, the same Battle Cat that He-Man used to ride. Mattel thought they were slick.)
As soon Kali came over the hill Raktabija started shitting on himself.
Kali ordered the Gods to attack Raktabija (Yeah, all 7,000,000 of them) then she spread her tongue so that it covered the entire battlefield preventing even a single drop of Raktabija's blood to touch the ground thus preventing Raktabija from cloning himself and the Gods commenced to stomping the shit out of his ass.
When it was over Kali had to drink all of that Raktabija blood which in turn drove Kali insane and she went on the nut running across the cosmos indiscriminately fucking everyone up that came within her sight.
Good job fellas.
Not at all unlike the Lord's resistance Army in Uganda, Kali literally adorned herself with the heads, arms and entrails of all of her victims when she was finished with them.
It wasn't pretty.
After coming out of his nap, Shiva managed to stumble around the apartment over to the phone to check his messages. Shiva heard screams coming from the street in front of his house. He walked over to the window and caught a glimpse of a God with an elephants body and a monkey head wearing what looked like an Afro wig with a chin strap dangling from his chin running for his life in pure hysteria. Then Shiva noticed Parvati, his half naked consort was gone and put two and two together. Eventually he tracked Kali down and threw himself under her feet. She immediately stopped, calmed down, gave him a big hug and went home like nothing ever happened.
The moral of this story?
Hindu Mythology gives children nightmares. |
