 Most of the things you find here at 8BM.com are things that we find on the Internet that we think are funny, weird or otherwise interesting enough to bring to your attention. Well I found a site devoted to prison terminology and I thought some of the definitions were pretty damn funny to tell you the truth. I mean, I laughed my ass off. However, as I was laughing I couldn't help but wonder "why" I was laughing.
Some of this, let me correct myself , MOST of this isn't funny. I mean it is but it isn't, you know what I mean.
You see, despite immensely popular "Why should I have to pay" cliches you hear all the time to illustrate how lucky convicted criminals are in our prison systems today when THEY have access to television, books, free weights and three square meals, in some pathetic attempt to make prison seem like some upscale half way house.
Please, don't believe the hype. Prison is still a bitch. Not that I have been there, but trust me it's more than weights, televisions, card games, and writing letters to the parole board. If you want to take away cable television, clean drinking water and three square meals a day because you are a pissed-off, law abiding citizen and you work 40 hours a week, and you don't have cable, and you don't have a phone and you only eat a full meal once a day, then go get YOUR ass a better job or learn to manage your money better. If you work 40 hours a week and can't afford a television and cable television you need a better job.
You also don't have to worry about getting gang raped in the shower every morning you wake up, or be in a position where you must join some Mad Max Road Warrior Gang called the Nazi Low Riders, where your duty is to lick clean some guys sweaty balls everyday in order in ensure you can pick your kids up from soccer practice. I am of the opinion that prisons can't get much worse. And the bigger question is WHY would we want them to? Let me let you in on a little secret, 90% of these guys ARE going to be released back into society eventually, and most of the time much worse than they were originally incarcerated.
Harsher punishment, although they are deserving of it, especially in cases like violent crime, never deters the stupid. Let me repeat myself, Harsh punishment NEVER DETERS the STUPID. Those of us who actually think about the consequences of our actions ARE deterred by harsh punishment, but that is why we don't do the crimes in the first place. These idiots don't get to that step.
Like I said, I came across this site on Prison Terminology and I thought it was hilarious. If these words and phrases don't give you a clues to how messed up a place maximum security prison is then nothing will.
- Gladiator Fight: Fighting set up for the benefit of others (such as prison staff)
Ok, let me get this right. The guards that we pay to keep an eye on these criminals and make sure they don't escape back into society have their own pay-per-view house shows for entertainment? Who needs WWF when you can schedule your own "No Holds Barred Texas Death Strangle Match" right? No wonder they want to get rid of televisions, what can public broadcasting offer that can live up to what they have in house.
- Buck Rodgers Time: A parole date so far into the next century, the inmate cannot imagine release. Now that is some funny shit.
- Sending Out: In order to make a point about prison conditions, a weak inmate may be beaten, or sent out of the unit. Just in case the warden needs a visual to go along with our demands...hey even God wanted Abraham to kill his first born son to make sure he was serious. Some people are visual like that. What!?
- Blood In, Blood Out: To enter a prison gang by committing a stabling, or to leave by being the victim of a stabbing. A nice way to make friends.
- Cell Gangster: One who talks tough locked in his cell. Then says nothing when out of cell. I have no idea how common this idiot is in prison but good God. I assume they are common enough to have a title assigned to them. I take it that this genius has a difficult time getting with the prison routine. How can you keep forgetting that they let you OUT of the cell every day….
- Hoe Check: Group beating given to an inmate to see if he will stand up for himself. Also known as "Check" or "Checking". (TX) Good thing when they come to beat your ass they come in a group. You wouldn't want to have a FAIR fight now would you? If it was fair fight you might just kick their ass and still be a Hoe. We can't have that now can we? Now if they beat you down in a group, the ass whoopin' is pretty much a given and your status as a Prison Bitch can be more appropriately assessed while you are in the infirmary recovering from your wounds. This also gives whoever grades how well you stood up in the "check" session time to get all the paper work done before issuing your Hoe Check Card.
- Getting Rec: Going to the recreational yard or harming someone for no reason. Damn. there is no reason like "no reason".
- Playing on Ass: Gambling without money -- if a prisoner loses " it's his ass."
I wonder if this definition can be taken at all literally.
- Convict: A prisoner with traditional values. One who has pride and respect, who maintains integrity. A convict is different from an inmate. These must be the guys who get caught selling weapons and drugs to paramilitary groups in third world nations and end up running for government offices when they get out.
- Ride: To pay commissary or sexual favors to prevent being assaulted by other inmates. (TX) Probably any person in jail who knows he made a mistake, is sorry for what he has done and is getting out in less than a year. In "Laymen's" terms I think he is more commonly referred to as a multi-platinum recording artist. (see Tu Pac, Rick James, Tommy Lee)
- White Ain't Right: Apart from the racial meaning, anyone wearing the mandated white prison garb in Texas will never be believed in a disciplinary hearing or dispute with an officer. (TX) a.k.a The next contestant in the next "In House" prison pay-per-view "Rusty Shank" death match put on for the prison staff's enjoyment.
- Pillow Biter: Prisoner who is a rape victim. (NY) I take it that this term for rape victims in prison pretty much covers all maximum security prisoners under the age of 17 and/or those who are incarcerated for crimes like mail fraud and software pirating.
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