• 1 empty gasoline container.

• 1 Zippo lighter

• 1 cell phone

• 2 pistols

• 1 LoJack (if the shit works on cars than the shit will work on me)

• 3 pounds of tuna, beef jerky, oatmeal bars

• 1 box of bullets

• 1 pair of hiking boots

·         10 p.m. the night before Mike, Josh, Heather and I venture into the woods looking for the Blair Witch. I put in a tape of “The Edge”, you know that film with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin. If you haven’t seen it then you should rent it. I rent that film, along with 2 others from Video Hut to remind me to bring my hand canon pistol, just in case there are bears up in them woods, along with the witches. Fuck that, I will bring two guns, one for the each of them.

·         12:30 that same night. I put in The Ghost and the Darkness tape into the VCR. I watch it from beginning to end to remind me to bring my ammo belt just in case there are lions out there as well. I am still angry that damn Lion killed Shaka Zulu so early in the film.

·        1 a.m. Josh, Mike and Heather are drunk. Heather starts getting all emotional about how appreciative she is that we all agreed to help her out on this project of hers for school. She offers to give us all blow jobs.  Josh says he has a girlfriend and Mike says he has a headache and heads for bed. I tell her thanks but I am gay just to not hurt her feelings. Mike gives me a knowing smile.

2 a.m. I am still wide awake and sober. I am pumped up for this. I put in Deliverance just in case there are “inbreeds” in the forest, if you know what I mean. Once everyone else is asleep Mike finally quits faking like he is sleeping and asks if he can crawl into bed with me and watch Deliverance. I finally put two and two together. I tell Mike I was only kidding with Heather, I am not a fairy. I am sorry to disappoint. I tell him if he takes one more step towards my bed I will blow his balls off with my hand canon. I do not support gay bashing. I just need him to stop dragging his finger tips across my arm like he thinks it's cute and I don’t want to have to ask him twice. There is no time to be subtle. It’s almost at the part in Deliverance where the “inbreeds’ make that guy squeal like a pig while they rape him. I don’t want to give Mike any ides.

·        2:45 a.m.  Yeah I am going to be dog tired come morning watching all these movies the night before but I need to make it very clear to myself, I just met this bitch, this is her project, I don’t know what kind of shit she is about to get me into.

·        7:15 a.m. I stop by the gas station on the way to the forest and fill my container of gasoline. I promise you nothing will bring people faster than a forest fire. All that property going up in flames will have every forest ranger, state trooper and boy scout over to us within the hour. Don’t doubt me for a second. I will not hesitate to burn that forest down to the ground if I am not back at my job at the Seven Eleven by Monday morning in time for the coffee rush.

·         7:30 a.m. We talk to a few locals here and they all tell us a  few stories about the Blair Witch which makes me glad that I packed my cell phone, my gasoline and my LoJack.

·         8 a.m. Heather reassures us that she hikes all the time and so she will hold the compass.  I still am bringing my LoJack. If I don’t make it back alive someone will find my ass. I had agreed to go on a scouted expedition and we haven’t been out here for 3 hours and I am convinced that this bitch is lost. If she is lost then she has gotten us lost. Every couple of hours I shit under a tree to mark where we have been. If I can’t shit I make someone else shit. I bring plenty of oatmeal bars in case we start running low.

·         Fast Forward.

·         We are lost. Looks like we are going to have to spend one extra night out here in the woods. God damn it, how did this shit happen? At least I think we are still lost, despite what Heather says because we are still in the woods and I don’t recognize a god damn thing on the way back to the car. Either we are going the wrong way or someone moved all my shit.

·         That night I hear some weird noises. Heather hears them too. I can barely hear the ghouls outside the tent with her asking for her camera and for someone to fix the lighting at the top of her fucking voice. Isn’t it just basic courtesy that when you hear something outside your tent that you can’t recognize to shut the fuck up and get as quiet as you can be? Is it too much to ask? You should have learned this when you hid beneath your sheets from the monster in your closet or the one under your bed when you were a child. You didn’t crawl under your sheet and start talking and shit did you? You knew the monster knew you were under the covers, you just hoped that he would leave you alone because you were so quiet and motionless. You wanted him to believe that you had just died from fright. Well this is working on the same principles, except Heather is loud as fuck.  I shove my pistol in her mouth. I change out of my urine soaked blue jeans.

·         We are all cold, hungry, and angry. Mike starts laughing. Mike says he kicked the map in the river. I shoot Mike.

·         I pull out the cell phone call the police and report my car stolen. I ask them to follow the LoJack.

·         Day 2

·         During our day of wandering around we see some weird shit hanging from the trees. That is the last straw. I order everyone at gun point to pack their shit up. I circle the camp with gasoline and I burn that motherfucker down to the ground.

·         I tell that bitch if she doesn’t drop that god damn camera I am going to kill her too.

·         We run until we pass out from the pain from the stomach cramps.

·         We wake up the next morning and Josh is gone. Oh fucking well. He must’ve went back to get the camera. Dumb ass.

·          Heather says that I scare her. I tell her that I am a really nice fucking guy when I am not hungry and lost and cold in the middle of fucking nowhere because some stupid-know-it-muthafuckin’-all had to take her second grade hiking skills to the test and get me lost. I remind her that I do have more bullets and I am not afraid to walk out of this forest alone.

·          Heather and I come up upon an old cabin. Heather and I hear some wailing and she thinks it sounds like Josh. I said it can’t be because you found his tongue wrapped in a rag outside the tent. I stand outside and call his name. I wait to hear something discernable. All I hear is moaning and shit. Oh fucking well. I use the rest of the gasoline I had left and I burn the fucking cabin down to the ground.

·          I warm myself by the glorious glow of the cabin fire. By morning the morning light reveals that the main road is only at the end of the drive way. I walk down the road until I get picked up by a truck driver that looks like he should have been cast in Deliverance.  Before I get into the truck the police show up. They followed my LoJack signal.  The inbreed truck driver discouraged by the police presence keeps on driving. I get home in time to start my coffee at the Seven Eleven on Monday morning 8 a.m.