Pope Fails To Exorcise Devil From Girl With Super Human Strength
The Pope was forced to carry out an impromptu exorcism on a teenage girl after she began "screaming insults in a cavernous voice" during an audience in the Vatican City.
The Pope was giving his usual, whatever he does, when suddenly, without warning, some unnamed 19-year-old girl from Monza began shouting "in a cavernous voice and as if in a fit of rage". Vatican guards quickly moved in to restrain her but as expected she had "a super-human strength" and violently pushed them away.
Of course this bitch is going to have superhuman strength. Even I know that. Everyone that is possessed has super human strength. The only thing stronger than a possessed person is a retarded man-child. All things equal, in a one-on-one battle to the death between a possessed person and a retard, I would put my money on the retard. And in case the Vatican guards, who are obviously clueless about dealing with people who are possessed, let me clue you in on some of their other powers which include forcing people to spontaneously combust like Firestarter, they can choke you out like Darth Vader did Admiral Ozzel in Empire Strikes Back, or what is considered the worse of all of her powers, she can make you submit in the “Camel Clutch” like The Iron Sheik.
To make this even more classic, Bishop Gianni Danzi, Secretary-General of Vatican City, intervened and sought to calm her by showing this possessed bitch a crucifix.
But when she saw the cross she began "insulting him, uttering disconnected phrases, and speaking in unknown tongues". How trite is that, showing her a cross? He must be watching the same movies I watch.
Apparently when John Paul is fighting evil forces he doesn’t work alone. The Pope had on hand his chief ”Satan-buster”, Fr. Gabriele Amorth, whom I would assume would be more qualified than that low-budget exorcist in Mexico City that killed seven onlookers when the room filled up with carbon monoxide fumes from the coal he was burning while performing his jig.
Now when you get the Pope involved with his certified exorcist, you are pretty much cured, right? I mean if some half-assed televangelist can make blind men see and the lame do the funky chicken with one carefully placed slap in the forehead, then is there a limit to what the freakin’ Pope can accomplish?
Well, apparently there is.
The Pope drove her around in his Popemobile, talked to the girl, exorcised her, (whatever that means) and stayed with the bitch for an hour putting up with all of her shit, but when it was all said and done the Devil's voice "sneeringly laughed from within her" despite the Pope's best efforts and those of his chief "Satan-buster", the girl remained "possessed".
"The Devil went to the Vatican," the Il Messaggero newspaper in Rome reported after being told of the incident by Fr Amorth. The paper said that, although there may have been other instances of people being possessed in the Vatican, last week's incident had been "spectacular" and Satan had "shown his muscles".
She was said to have been "possessed since she was 12", as a result of someone putting a curse on her out of hatred for her parents. She had been taken by her mother and father to the audience in the hope that a papal blessing would help.
Needless to say, the girl is fucked.
The Pope was forced to carry out an impromptu exorcism on a teenage girl after she began "screaming insults in a cavernous voice" during an audience in the Vatican City.
