RAW DOGMA written by Nkrumah Steward
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| I Am Living Right Above the Real Life Captain America |
 I live directly above the real life Captain America.
Like most things hyped up by these big media conglomerates he isn't half as impressive in real life as he is in the pages of comic books beating up the Red Skull after he foiled that Nazi bastard's plans for world domination.
His cover is that of a 45-year-old geeky looking career University student named Walter.
No, his body isn't rippling with muscles. He is taller than average. He has a disproportionately large nose and wears glasses.
Make no mistake about though he is the real thing.
A few weekends ago a woman that also lives on the first floor, below my apartment and directly across from Walter came home from her bartending job late one evening. She dropped her purse at her feet flicked on the light switch and discovered a tall black man with a pistol standing in her living room.
She followed her first instinct and shouted "Help!" when she saw the pistol wielding intruder.
The burglar pointed the pistol at her and quietly told her not to shout again or he'd be forced to hurt her.
He told her to be quiet and close the door behind her and she did.
Little did he know but Walter who lives directly across the hallway from where this is happening had heard her cry for help.
He had just got in from walking the dog.
Walter opened up his door and tip toed across the hallway to her place. He put his ear to this young ladies door and overheard the burglar telling her to stay quiet or she was going to make him do something that they both would regret, or something to that extent.
Well that is when Walter or um…Captain fucking America decides to kick open her door and grab the young lady by the collar once again startling the burglar.
He looks the thug right in the eyes and says; "You can't shoot both of us" pulls her out of the front door backwards, with her heels practically dragging across the ground across the hallway and into his apartment.
You can't shoot both of us?
Why the fuck can't he? It's not like this motherfucker was armed with a spear.
He had a gun.
Last time I checked packing gunpowder down the barrel of a revolver by hand wasn't required to fire multiple shots into any general direction.
You can't shoot the both of us.
Is this guy for real?
Then it gets better.
Now hysteria sets in and this woman starts crying about how she left her purse back in her apartment. Her identification is in there. What if the burglar got a hold of that stuff? He would know where she lives!
Sweetheart he already knows where you live.
Besides, if it isn't there where you left it when the POLICE show up...you remember the police don't you? The people we pay to kick doors down and shit? If it isn't there when the POLICE show up then we will just mark that down as something else they can charge him with when they catch him.
Anyway, evidently this sounded like another job for Captain Walter fucking America who walks back over to the apartment and kicks the door in again and grabs her purse from exactly where she said it would be and brought it back to her.
Now to be honest, the black dude was probably already gone shortly after he snatched her out of the apartment the first time he kicked the door in but it's the principle of it.
Superheroes, not some, ALL superheroes are nuts.
The Batman uses the same fucked up logic the Joker does.
Don't get me wrong now; I can appreciate a heroic effort as much as the next guy. Someone jumps in front of a bus to push me to safety I'll tip my hat off to ya. Seriously, the next beer is on me. But that doesn't mean you are right in the head.
You want to try carrying a 500 pound woman down a fireman's ladder on your back from a burning building for 5 floors you just go ahead.
I am more likely going to mark her down as a one of those "countless tragedies" that I will cite as I am lobbying congress to pass legislation outlawing people over a certain weight limit from living above the second story.
I would even print up thousands of posters with her fat ass all over them with the words "one more will be too much" in bold letter blow her photo.
We're going to the same destination we just are taking two different roads to get there.
Hero logic. That is why some people were running towards the World Trade Center while some people were glad that they had the day off.
You can't shoot both of us. |
